


you love me

by vokdas



Category: Day6 (Band)
Genre: Infidelity, M/M, No Smut, Self Harm, it gets pretty close, jae is kind of a douche, just a little bit though, kind of, really angsty but there’s some fluff in there, younghyun deserves nice things
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-29
Updated: 2018-01-29
Packaged: 2019-03-10 22:13:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,754
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13510821
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vokdas/pseuds/vokdas
Summary: Jae kisses like he’s in love, even if – even though – he’s not. Younghyun wonders if he kisses Wonpil like that, too.





	you love me

Younghyun knows he shouldn’t have come, but here he is.

Jae is passed out on top of him, naked and heavy and covered in sweat, wearing lingering traces of the post-sex bliss on his face and long scratches running down the otherwise unmarred expanse of his back. He looks incredibly peaceful in the tranquility of sleep, pink lips turned up ever so slightly in a soft smile, and this is how Younghyun likes him best.

On Jae’s back there are a couple of places where his skin had broken, too, which makes pride swell in Younghyun’s chest. He feels like an animal marking its territory, although he knows Jae isn’t his. He knows Jae will never give back what he takes and continues to take, he knows Jae will never love him right, he knows, he knows, he knows –

(Jae’s watch, lying discarded on the pile of clothes he’d thrown off only an hour ago, beeps one o’clock.)

He knows, because on the desk sits a framed picture of Jae with a vaguely familiar, pretty, pink-sweatered boy kissing his cheek, and on the mirror there’s a little lopsided hand-drawn heart beside a date written in sharpie and a stranger’s handwriting. An anniversary, maybe. Probably. Younghyun doesn’t know, doesn’t want to. He tells himself he doesn’t care to.

He knows that’s not true, though, because even just the amount of effort he exerts not to wake Jae up when he sneaks out is appalling.

—

“You went to see him?” Sungjin asks when Younghyun shows up to work the next morning. “Again?”

Younghyun can’t look him in the eye, but he can’t lie to him, either; he can never lie to Sungjin. “I didn’t mean to.”

“What do you mean, you didn’t mean to?”

“He called me.”

“You picked up?”

“He was drunk.”

“You wouldn’t have known that if you hadn’t picked up!”

“Just – ” Younghyun sighs and buries his face in his hands. “Just leave it alone, okay? I know I shouldn’t – I won’t do it again. I didn’t mean to. I know I shouldn’t have.”

Sungjin leaves it alone for about five seconds before he tries a softer approach. “You know he’s dating Kim Wonpil, right?”

“Dowoon’s ex?”

“Yeah.”

That explains why Younghyun had thought his face looked familiar. “Oh.”

“You don’t look surprised.”

“Jae has a picture of him on his desk.”

“Oh.” Sungjin looks conflicted, like he’s the one in love with a man that’ll never love him back. “So what’re you going to do?”

Younghyun shrugs. Sungjin doesn’t push any further.

—

Younghyun doesn’t officially meet Wonpil until Dowoon’s birthday party, although he feels at home from the moment Wonpil grins at him. Dowoon is oblivious and Jae’s not there, thankfully, but Sungjin is, and Younghyun spends the better half of the night pretending not to see the knowing, concerned looks sent his way.

(“Oh, I know you!” Wonpil exclaims upon his arrival. “I’ve seen you in Jae-hyung’s pictures! It’s nice to finally meet you, Younghyun-ssi.”

“You too. And just call me hyung.”)

Wonpil is sweet and smiley and cute, and it’s easy to see why Jae likes him. It’s easy to see why Dowoon had liked him too, although they’re both adamant about having ended their relationship over realizing they were better off as friends and, obviously, on good terms. Younghyun doesn’t think he could even remotely dislike Wonpil if he tried, even if being around him gives Sungjin an excuse to throw his endless array of pointed looks at Younghyun.

At the end of the night, he exchanges numbers with Wonpil and promises to keep in touch. Knowing him, though, he probably won’t. He hopes Wonpil won’t mind.

—

“So,” Jae says, “what’re you doing tonight?”

Younghyun’s jaw clenches. “Depends. What do you want?”

“Wonpil’s work schedules at the hospital changed. He’s on night duty.”

Wonpil is a nurse, Younghyun remembers, and of course he is. Younghyun is just an accountant, and really, what good is that going to do anyone? “Right.”

“So he won’t be home until four in the morning.”

“Okay.”

“You up for a good time?”

Younghyun sighs. “I don’t know, Jae. We can’t keep doing this.”

“Don’t be a wuss,” Jae says. “It’s a good fuck, what’s the big deal?”

“You’re dating Wonpil, in case you’ve forgotten. I don’t want to be what ruins that.”

“What Wonpil doesn’t know won’t hurt him.” Jae leans in close enough that his lips brush against Younghyun’s skin, his breath ghosting along the side of his neck. “C’mon, babe, for me? I promise I’ll make you feel good. You know I will.”

Younghyun smiles, but it’s bitter despite his rapidly crumbling his resolve. “You always do, don’t you?”

Jae kisses him, and maybe that’s the reason he’s fallen so hard: Jae kisses like he’s in love, even if – even though – he’s not. Younghyun wonders if he kisses Wonpil like that, too.

—

“I’m sorry,” Younghyun says. Sungjin’s giving him the cold shoulder, and as much as Younghyun hates Sungjin being paranoid and overly concerned, it’s almost worse when he’s disappointed.

Sungjin doesn’t even look at him. “Whatever.”

“I am.”

“Cool.”

“I didn’t – ”

“You know, I can’t tell if you’re even trying to end this,” Sungjin snaps, turning to glare at him, and Younghyun recoils. “You keep saying you won’t go back to him, but you do, every single time. It’s like you like seeing pictures of Wonpil on the wall and – and sneaking out before he gets home every morning. What are you trying to accomplish, Younghyun?”

Younghyun’s hands are shaking. He balls them into fists, doesn’t want Sungjin to see how right he is. “I don’t know.”

“Yeah, no shit. Have you even thought about Wonpil? This is his relationship you’re destroying, have you ever thought about that? Do – ”

“I know!” Younghyun shouts. “I know I’m a shitty person and I’m doing some really fucked up things and Wonpil deserves none of it, okay, I know!”

“So stop it!” Sungjin shouts back.

“Like it’s so easy – you think I wouldn’t have walked out by now if I could? Do you know how hard it is to love someone from the sidelines, Sungjin? Do you know how much it hurts to know you’re tearing apart something that could be so beautiful – do you know how it feels to be someone’s dirty little secret? Do you know that?”

Sungjin doesn’t say anything. Younghyun storms off just in time for Sungjin to miss the tear that trickles down his cheek.

—

“You’re not staying?”

Jae’s words are slightly slurred with exhaustion; Younghyun shakes his head, slips his shirt on. “I have things to do.”

“It’s two in the morning.”

“I’m a busy man.”

“But you always – ”

“At least now I don’t have to sneak out,” Younghyun says, clipped. “Just go to sleep, yeah?”

Jae’s brows are furrowed. “Why aren’t you staying tonight?” he asks. “You never leave until after I fall asleep.”

“Not my responsibility. I’m not your boyfriend.”

“Is that what this is about?” Jae sits up, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. “Are you jealous?”

“What? No.”

“Yeah you are.”

“Jae, stop it.”

“Why didn’t you tell me you liked Wonpil?”

Younghyun stops. “What?”

“That’s why you’ve been so uncomfortable around me recently, it all makes sense – ”

“No, I – I don’t like Wonpil!”

“You don’t have to hide anything from me,” Jae says. “Best friends, remember?”

Yeah, Younghyun thinks, something like that: best friends, fuckbuddies. Distractions. “Just sleep, Jae, before you say something dumb and embarrass yourself. If you still want to talk about this in the morning you can call me.”

Jae looks resigned. “Okay. Goodnight, Brian.”

“Don’t call me that.”

“Sorry.”

Jae doesn’t call in the morning. Younghyun isn’t surprised.

—

Dowoon doesn’t say anything when Younghyun shows him the scars littering the pale flesh of his wrists. He doesn’t cry, either, or scream, or fight. Younghyun wishes he would.

“I’m sorry,” Younghyun says, trying to fill the silence. “I don’t mean to spring this on you, I just wanted you to know, since, you know, Sungjin and I aren’t talking and I really don’t have anyone else – ”

“Hyung, don’t,” Dowoon says. His voice is somewhere between sharp and shaking, and it’s scary. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

Younghyun winces. “I didn’t know how. I’m sorry.”

“Why are you – is it because of Jae-hyung?”

“No.”

“Hyung.”

“Yes.”

Dowoon sighs. “You know you can’t keep this up forever, right? Wonpil will figure it out. He’s not stupid.”

Younghyun doesn’t know how Dowoon has even figured out what’s going on, but he doesn’t ask. “Dowoon – ”

“There’s something else,” Dowoon says. “I’ve been fucking Wonpil.”

Younghyun stops. “You what?”

“I’ve been fucking Wonpil,” Dowoon repeats. “That’s why I’m not telling you to stop, because I’m no better and I’m not going to stop. Wonpil isn’t, and neither is Jae, so don’t blame yourself if they don’t work out.”

“I’m not – ”

“You are,” Dowoon says flatly, and like he knows he’s right. He is. “They don’t love each other, hyung, if they’re both cheating on each other. You’re not ruining anything.” He reaches out and takes Younghyun’s hand in his, holding it tight. “And I’m glad you told me about this, hyung, but if you hurt yourself again I’m going to have to kill you.”

Younghyun wishes it could have been sweet, loving Dowoon that he fell in love with, rather than the skinny computer geek from high school. But not everyone gets what they want.

—

Sungjin never actually apologizes, but he sends a text on Younghyun’s birthday. That’s the extent to which either of them are willing to go to make amends, but Younghyun doesn’t mind. He misses Sungjin too.

Younghyun doesn’t stop his late night endeavors, and Dowoon’s right: Wonpil and Jae do break up eventually, not too long after Jae fucks Younghyun over the kitchen table for the first time. Dowoon and Wonpil get back together within days of the split, and Younghyun, who’s seen it coming, is happy for them.

It’s late on a Friday night at Sungjin’s apartment when everything unravels. They’re all wasted and sprawled over his couch – Dowoon is a giggly mess on the floor between Wonpil’s spread legs – and Wonpil says, “D’you guys know Jae is a really bad kisser?”

Younghyun’s first instinct is to say that no, he’s not, but Dowoon beats him to it. “Yeah, ‘cause I’m the only one who can kiss you.”

“No, I mean,” Wonpil says, gesturing sluggishly with his hands, “he kisses like the dead. Thank God he has a big enough dick to make up for it.”

Younghyun’s mind is reeling as Sungjin looks over at him. “I thought you said he was a good kisser.”

“He is,” Younghyun agrees, confused, and Wonpil is apparently too drunk to realize that Younghyun has just admitted to kissing his ex-boyfriend. “S’all messy and quick and shit, but s’good. Always good.”

And it is, because Jae has always kissed him like he loves him. Younghyun is starting realize what that means.

—

Jae’s mirror has been wiped clean the next time Younghyun comes over, and the picture of him and Wonpil has been put away. Younghyun doesn’t know if he should feel as guilty as he does.

He doesn’t have time to ponder it, because they’ve barely entered the bedroom before Jae is pushing him up against the door he’s closed behind him, towering over him in such close proximity that Younghyun feels his cheeks burn. For a long moment they stand in silence, basking in each other’s presence as Jae’s eyes rake over the younger boy’s face, then –

“You look so good,” Jae tells him, his voice breathy.

Younghyun snorts, jokes, “I always look good,” although he doesn’t believe it.

Jae seems to, though, because he says, “Yeah, you do,” and kisses him.

And Younghyun is falling the way he’s fallen over and over and over again for Jae – always for Jae – and he lets himself go as Jae tugs off his clothes, pushes him onto the bed, fucks him good, kisses him through it.

“Love you,” Jae murmurs in his ear. “You feel so good, fuck, so good for me, baby – ”

Younghyun wants to say it back, wants to say he loves him too, but he knows Jae is only spewing things he doesn’t mean in the heat of the moment. He stays quiet and takes what he can get.

—

The next time it happens, it hurts – and the next time, and the next time, until Younghyun doesn’t know how his visits with Jae have ever held pleasure devoid of pain. Jae is a good liar, consistent, but Younghyun knows the truth: the kisses go hand in hand with the sex, and the words are just an added bonus.

Knowing Jae doesn’t kiss Wonpil the same way he kisses Younghyun is a comfort that’s quickly squashed. Maybe Wonpil’s standards are higher, Younghyun thinks, or maybe Jae and Younghyun have simply been around each other enough to have honed their dynamic just so. Younghyun doesn’t know.

Still, though, no one else has any idea of what’s going on. Dowoon is still wary of Younghyun’s old habits, but aside from that he’s fairly oblivious; Sungjin, who’s kept away from any discussion of Jae since their fight, doesn’t say anything although he’s obviously aware that something’s off. Younghyun is grateful that he doesn’t.

He wishes Jae would hurry up and figure it out already, though, because he doesn’t know how much more he can take before he caves.

—

“What if I said I don’t want to fuck you tonight?” Jae asks. He’s sitting beside Younghyun on the edge of the bed, their arms barely brushing. Younghyun frowns.

“Am I supposed to offended?” he asks uncertainly. “If you’re not horny, that’s fine, I can leave.”

“No that’s – that’s not what I meant,” Jae says quickly, grabbing his wrist as he’s getting up. “Brian, I – ”

“Don’t call me th – ”

“ – I want to make love to you.”

It’s a minute before Younghyun realizes that his jaw has dropped in shock. He shuts his mouth quickly. “You – you want to what?”

“Just hear me out,” Jae says, scooting closer and wrapping long arms around his waist while he’s still as stiff as a board. “Bri – Younghyun, baby, you know how I feel about you. I know you’ve never really opened up to anyone before and you don’t ever just let people close, but – ”

“Hang on,” Younghyun says. “What do you mean, I know how you feel about me?”

Jae looks at him like he’s stupid. “I love you, dumbass. What else?”

Younghyun scoffs, says, “No, you don’t. You say it when we fuck, but you don’t mean it. Maybe you love sleeping with me, but you don’t love me. You don’t have to lie to me, Jae.”

“I’m not lying to you.”

“You’re not in love with me,” Younghyun insists.

“I know what I feel,” Jae says, pulls him closer to plant a soft kiss on his lips – softer than he ever has, softer than anything Younghyun can remember – and wipes away tears he doesn’t even know are trailing down his cheeks. “I need you to listen to me, okay? I know you don’t believe me, but let me try to show you. Please.”

Younghyun doesn’t believe him, has no doubt that he’s lying, but he buries his face in Jae’s shoulder and says, “Okay,” anyway.

And no matter how adamant Younghyun is about believing otherwise, Jae makes sweet, sweet love to him that night, soft and slow, with so much care and affection that he cries again and again – and every time, Jae kisses the tears away, holds him so tight he’s sure there will be bruises in the morning, and tells him that he loves him so, so much.

“I wish I’d known you didn’t believe me,” Jae says when they’re curled up against each other, Younghyun tucked against his chest, and he turns Younghyun’s arm to kiss up the inside of his wrist. Younghyun wonders how he knows. “I would’ve showed you, I should’ve seen, but I thought you knew. I’m so sorry, baby. I promise I’ll be better.”

Younghyun smiles up at him, genuine for the first time in what feels like years. “It’s okay, I understand. I believe you.”

“You don’t,” Jae says simply, but he promises, “not yet, but you will. Until then, I’ll remind you every day if I have to – whatever you need, and however long. I’ll wait for you, Younghyun. You know I will.”

And that, Younghyun knows, is the truth.

**Author's Note:**

> apparently with day6 all i can write is angst but with got7 it’s all fluff


End file.
